Mood Indigo

I think I realized why I like to set my alarm 30 minuites before I would even consider waking up. I like that time in the morning, that time when I am half asleep half awake. It is neat, like dream, fantasy, and reality are all one. It is that time when I get a second chance to fix errors that in reality have no fix, it is that time when those who have said goodbye are still there... when my dreams are most potent, and the world is in the palm of my hand.

There was a chance once, well, less than a chance... not even a chance... to stair into a set of eyes gone, to relive a moment and choose something different. Like a time dancing in my room at 2:00 AM, the song Mood Indigo had just finished. She was about to tell me she needed to leave... maybe just maybe... maybe what made sense would widdle away or maybe something would happen. I remember her saying "I think I need to go." My heart never fell, never dropped I knew she would have to go, I knew it would end this way... too few things ever change that much.

"It's your call," was my responce. What is different than usual, I wasn't speaking from fear, she knew how I felt, the problem was that I knew how she felt... half interested... maybe I was just filler... incase of emergency break glass. In thinking about my response I don't think saying anything different would have changed anything, it would simply have just been a little more honest. But in this time early in the morning I remember the time and I realize it wasn't out of fear that I ran from the right phrase, it was from ignorance... I said the first thing that occurred to me.

It was a safe comment, my hope was to hear, "Maybe just a little bit longer." That wasn't what I heard. There was no goodnight kiss, no real hug... I walked her to her car and she left.

But as I meditate on the event the phrase that would have made the most sense, the phrase that would have at least acknowledged my feelings, "I want you to stay." I know what your thinking, but your wrong, it isn't about sex, it isn't about the hollowness of, "making out," it was simply staving off the inevitable for one more moment and for once speaking my desires aloud. To look for a few moments with a set of eyes that would never be the same. She would probably have still left, it would probably have been all the same except, it would have been a wee bit more honest.

I think about the deathbeads I stand beside. I remember one night a woman watched her husband die, she held his hand, I was privlaged to stand in the room with them, I was able to stand in sight of their love. More than 50 years they had been together, now he leaves. She wept at his bedside, and it made me ask, who will weep at mine. Don't misread me, I didn't expect it to be this woman... at least I hadn't expected it for a long time... sometimes my life is like a revolving door of what never happened...

But when I get out of bed, the morning shower washes it all away... the dreams, the fantasy, I put on my tie, my nametage, I grab my coat and step into life. It isn't sad, at least my life isn't sad, I am sad because I am in the process of goodbye, I stay often in Mood Indigo, but you know, I live... to hold and to be held, to dream of and be dreamt of, to love and be loved, to be angry and recieve others anger, these and many other things like them are to live... there is more, sometimes there is less, but always there is life.

So as you read this raise your glass and say with me
"LaChiam"