Every now and again my thoughts move behind me. Some sensical stimulation starts, it’s like driving down the road and a special song plays. “Walking in Memphis,” I’ve done that, quite a few times in fact. The song elicits strong emotion, at least for me. From the opening line “Put on my blue suede and boarded a plane, touched down in the land of the Delta Blues in the Middle of the pouring rain.” Mark Cohn had a life changing revelation with W.C. Handy watching over him. I don’t remember my first steps in Memphis, I don’t well remember my first year; it seemed like a lifetime ago. I wonder often if I were to meet the boy who moved in search of God would I know him, would I like him, or would I pity him? The difference between he and I cover an expanse unperceived by traditional sight. Of course for all the differences, I wonder, really, am I that different? Having left and returned I warn you, it is like the golden mountain, once I left it I could never really come back, she wouldn’t let me. For any who would like to read on I offer you my Memphis, my sultry southern belle with “Catfish on the table, and gospel in the air.”
As I said I searched for God, I searched avidly for him. I opened my ears more than ever only to realize it isn’t the ears that open it is the eyes. See I came to Memphis for God, because he called me here. I know that sounds narcissistic. In an entire universe, God calls to me and puts me in this perfect place where I would thrive. Relax my Arminian heritage offers a wonderful balance, I did a lot of the work to. Don’t think I wasn’t scared, or alone; I spent a long time as both.
But I did see God… I had only to open my eyes and look. Sure the trees and such but in the people around me. I was blessed to live on the campus of my seminary a wonderful place where the God led and god less walk hand in hand, preaching and teaching, I was lucky because I was allowed to listen to the experiences as well the long nights in conversation with brothers and sisters in faith, in conversation with the God above, and the silence… these things led me on. I ate, slept, and breathed experience and had the opportunity to bathe it in theology. Like a wine that is slowly cooked away during simmer I was left with strong tannins that could easily breed in me a distinct bitterness, save the stock of grace to bring balance leaving me with a full fruity and meaty theology.
My Lovely Church Lady Memphis walked with me. I saw theology walking the streets dressed as Elvis, where else was I to see it, it was a year in Memphis before I was to walk on Beale, and another two after before my feet lifted “ten feet off.” I wouldn’t say I lived sheltered; the churches in which I found my work were to be locked in the middle of the week when I was alone in them. I walked proudly (with a humble gate) in places white men were to not; I stood face to face with gangsters with only a shield of faith to protect me.
Ok maybe it wasn’t that bad, I had a huge church van protecting me too. Learning quickly that gang-bangers and drug dealers like prayer too. I can think back to the specific day that I realized I was becoming a democrat, shaking hands with an ex-lieutenant who was hiding from his gang in L.A. I guess there is no nice way to say, “State’s evidence.” I wouldn’t want anyone to think that I was slaying dragons, the other reason I was left alone is because I did what they perceived as, “Babysitting.” Maybe, just one will remember the bombastic white guy who used to jump and sing with them, maybe some of them will find hope, years from now. It isn’t like I knew what I was doing, but I sure felt like I should’ve. I guess that is why I went a different way with my calling.
I began to “should’ve known,” a lot in those years. When I finished my stint I moved from that Inner city Church to House Church. God walked with me still holding my hand, or so it is that I say. My work moved from outside to inside. Let me say it this way, I believed for years all I wanted to do was help others, when in truth it was a nice way to alleviate years of guilt impacted like a pregnant woman with a low fiber diet. I figure it was important for me to figure out that I liked me, especially since that was whom I thought of most often.
My sweet southern belle, Memphis had introduced me to the people I needed. I think she needed me to open up; she needed to see the heart of the boy that had been escorting her these short years. I walked underground for years, holding and being held, crying and crying with. There are places in my old sweet city, that if I were to walk I would tear up today, for the memory of the grace I had found there. It was in these Grace meetings that I learned I mattered, and once I learned I mattered, I could see that others mattered too. To these brothers and sisters, though I may never mention their name I would also never withhold the necessary hugs that point to self-worth. Anytime, anywhere and without shame!
That’s when my sweet southern lady first demanded I take her dancing. Now not only did my Theology walk with me, it demanded I lead. This is when I got to know her sultry side. Did you know that somewhere near the end of Lonely Street there is a hotel? In that hotel is a bar, the Jungle Room. And if you went the right night there was a pretty little thing, now whether or not she was waiting for king I don’t know however, her drink specials couldn’t be beat, but I digress.
My Wonderful Lady and I first danced the Charleston, I found I didn’t care for it much, but there were other dances. I realized something about the Libido that Jung and Freud had yet to inform me, not only does sexual desire and masculinity (femininity too) live there but also religious expression and spirituality. My Sultry Southern Belle taught me why David danced in only an ephod for God.
It is important to note during this time that I saw her suffering side. My Theology and my Lady walked with me through the halls of a local hospital, attending to the souls of her sons and daughters. She showed me death until I begged her to stop, then she showed me a little more. My smallness increased, as it were. Sitting in a hospital chapel at 2 AM one Saturday mourning with my lady, and making love to her on a seedy dance floor in Orange Mound the next. She reminded me what God had said, “There is a time for mourning and a time for dancing.” The extent to which I danced was always proportionate to that which I mourned. I can say assuredly say I sampled her Gospel and her Catfish.
I don’t know what time or what day it was, only that Country Girl introduced me to the song, “Ain’t No Sunshine.” For weeks this song played on in my head I was singing it day after day, night after night, until this one night… you see there was this little girl, and I was holding her when they pronounced her mother, I realized… “She’s always gone to long, anytime she goes away.”
She had escorted me a long way when I said goodbye to her, wondering if I would ever find another love. I had listened to mankind cry out for God in Churches, Houses, Jukes, and Libraries. I was ten feet off of Beale when I left. I lived on the edge of Midtown, right before they call it downtown. I knew all the Antique store, doughnut shops, and coffee shops. I even knew a guy who roasted some of the best. Saturday morning I would drive from shop to shop after coffee and a muffin, or chocolate milk and a doughnut. I saw the greatest artifacts in the streets of Memphis. I didn’t have to go to the museums or the art shows. The art was right where God had painted it, in the people that made up this amazing place, a place I felt truly home. I remember saying goodbye to her, in my apartment late one night, and I knew then that she would never let me make her mine.
I said goodbye to my fair maiden… to my sultry southern belle with promises of return. I didn’t look into her eyes when she said goodbye, they tried to warn me it would never be the same, it could never be as it once was. She knew, long before I did that I would find home again, and my new romance would welcome me with wide eyes. This goodbye was for good.
I tried to return to her less than a year later, in that time I had changed and she had changed. I felt as if I were peddling backward. I tried again to woo her but her sights were set on another, I danced with her again and it was empty. She knew when I greeted her that the old crossroad’s in Mississippi had it’s way with me. I walked hand in hand with another, and when I looked in my Sultry Belle’s eye’s she knew, even before me, I wanted to return there.
I never regretted my decision to leave that was the problem. She had shown me a vibrant life, a life that I never dreamed I would have ever lived. We feasted, we danced, and we loved. I found these things with her. Maybe once I had the chance stay, but it had long passed by the time I’d looked to the crossroads. Many nights I woke, wondering where I would be in a year or two. I feared I had wondered across hot foot powder, that I would be doomed to ramble on forever.
Maybe there was a part of me that knew I could never love her again, and vice versa. It was the part that moved me here, across the line in Mississippi. Shaven off of Mississippi and Memphis I sit in the middle, awaiting my call home.
