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Thursday, November 04, 2010

Letter to God

Dear God,

I believe in you, I stake not only my reputation on your existence but I have chosen my life's path in regard to that belief bringing that very belief into the center. The core of what I do and who I am rests on your existence. I believe in you, partially because I was so conditioned, but it is deeper than that. I will argue until the day I die that I have experienced you, but it is even deeper than that. I believe because a world without you just isn't worth living in. People have told me that isn't a good enough reason but I agree to disagree and move on.

I live in Mississippi God, so I don't often run into people who are extremely vocal about not believing in you, but I know they are here, I actually feel good that many of them open up to me. I get frustrated about that God, not because I think they should believe but because people curse them in your name. I am so glad to live in a place where I am allowed to believe as I choose I like to offer that opportunity to everyone else. Yet they feel victimized and forced to hide here. Maybe they are victims. I get so frustrated with your people, because they hurt people in your name. They browbeat and do harm and call it love. I feel for those who don't believe in you, and struggle often not to hate those who do. You call us to love yet my brothers and sisters are so full of hate, it's frustrating.

You know what else is frustrating? Your silence. As I said God I believe I choose to believe and lately it feels like I have to make that choice anew daily. I have walked the line that so many of my friends and colleagues have in the past, many have crossed over and just given up on their belief. You know what I think it is that drives them over the line? It is easier to believe that you don't exist than that you could be a jerk. There I said it, I have been thinking it for a long time, but then the buck stops with you. I feel safe saying it because I know you aren't petty like many of the people around me. Your self worth does not hinge on whether or not I think you are being a jerk. What is really crazy is that, I don't really care if I am wrong, or if this situation is my fault.

Of course, I don't believe you get your rocks off on my pain. I never thought that. I never believed I am a joke to you, nor do I believe you stopped listening. I know you love me, I know that I matter to you, and I know that you listen. But lately I am having to choose to know that more frequently than I like.

Do you remember the days back when I was new at college, new with my little church in North Memphis? Those were great time, College, seminary, Residency in the hospital, God it was great to feel your presence every day, to know that what I was doing was right because it worked, and it helped others to come to know your love. I felt so much love in those days, and I believe as fully I believe you intended this current mess that you intended that joy. I blame that joy on you, which is why I am trying to make sense of this mess.

In his time of need, you showed Jacob a stairway to heaven, it would be nice to get a glimpse of that stairway, just for a moment. God I know better than anyone I am not innocent, but all I have left is a broken heart and heaps of regret. It's yours if you want it, for I am quickly running out of all else.

Justin