Time to relax

When I get home from work I load my pipe with my favorite tobacco and I put my minidisc player on. I have a compilation that fits that mood. I do that with music, I like to complile playlists in relation to my mood. This list is called "women sing," it consists of Janis Joplin, Kathrine Whalen, Nora Jones, and none other than Billy Holiday. I sit on my fifteenth floor balcony and remember I am glad to be alive.

How do you relax, and what do you listen to?

Dancing and Dying

Last night I was dancing. I like dancing, I have blogged about this before, I swing dance. For all of you who can't imagine me dancing, remember spring sing? I think I just look better. I got home around 11:30 last night, of course it was saturday so that is cool. I opted not to go out with the crew after our dance because I had to work today, Sunday. I had a hard time really getting into the freedom and the mood of it though because I knew I would be returning to my job today.
When I am on call I work with five hospitals. I have visited two other than the one I stay at default tonight. I hope I am done tonight. I have had nice nights before where I got to sleep all night, the last two weeks have been different I got no more than two hours. It happens, I can live with that I just wish it would happen to someone else for a while.

At one hospital I was talking with a woman who might lose her son, and was sad their last discussion was an arguement. Then I got the question in another hospital, "when you wear blue does that mean someone died?" I told her no, but when we are working on call we wear blue labcoats so the staff can recognise us quickly as the chaplain. then she said, "anytime I see you in blue it means someone has died." Of course the kid I went to see wasn't out of the water yet.

When I came back to the default hospital I answered a death call where there was a lot of family. A LOT of family and they were all sad. You know something I appriciate about African American families, they support each other in mass numbers and they get their feelings out, even the men. Oh there is a manly cry and they have mastered it. I know I am stereotyping, but you will get over it. I think it is something white people can learn about family, it doesn't matter if they like each other they always come when they are needed, and when someone dies they are needed. At a death today there was wailing, there was praying and at one point I heard someone say "Jesus," and if I didn't know the situation I think he would have been cursing, but in this situation I think he was calling on the name of our savior because that is all there was to say.

This is what I say to anyone reading this post...Dance... dance in your own way, swing, latin, ballroom, alone in your room, with your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, father, mother, friend, relative. Dance when it is fun and dance when it is hard because life is a dance. If you can walk you can dance, but we don't always have a lot of time so just dance. It doesn't matter if you are good it doesn't matter if you suck. Just dance. Because when death knocks... I am tempted to stop dancing. But that is when I need to dance the hardest, because it is in the dance I know that I am alive. Walking away from a song that was faster than I thought, when I am tireder than I thought and I and my partner both pant trying to catch breath, then I know I am alive. And when I can no longer dance(which is when I am dead, read Tuesday's with Morrie)... I want someone to place silver dollars on my eyes so I can pay the boatman at the river Styx, then hopefully, when I cross that river, I can dance some more.

Labor on Labor day

It is Labor day I am working I labor, I am fine with working on Labor day it means I will raise true hell if I have to work on thanksgiving or Christmas. Some parts of the day have been very boring other parts have been very exciting and many many sad. The sad doesn't hit me like it used to, I think it is because I have been on call the last three or four mondays in a row. It is about 3:30 in the morning and I am beginning to get tired. "Why not go to bed?" you may ask, well everytime I just start getting comfortable my pager goes off and I have to rerobe and head somewhere in the hospital. Three people coded at the same time tonight. Well, all within 15 minutes. I have been getting to know the crisis team well. The resident who has been pronoucing is becomming a buddy. When I started this job doctors made me nervous, one one level they still do but by much less. Now I see them so much, the same ones over and over again. I can't help but think that my blue coat must symbolize death to some of them. I think patients families tend to take bad news better when a chaplain is around. I think I could be a fairly bad chaplain and still provide comfort just because I am there.

The thing though,

this job feeds my arrogance like crazy, I have never been to keen on being a minister, or at least not for years but I like this job, "chaplain." But I always picture myself standing up for the patient or the family or lowing the anxiety of a crisis because of my selfless work. I bring the peace of God and the stability of ten men, I work for God, I pray to God, I intercede for the people, I am god to them I am God. Most of the time I think I am just full of shit (now that I am not going to be a preacher anymore I don't have to hide that I say that word a lot). I am a pretty arrogant asshole when it comes to it. Nothing reminds me of that more than when I think of myself having this huge conversation with a family who is affraid to pronouce their father DNR (do not recessitate) and they finally stop putting their father through the constant pain of CPR and the harshness of recessitation. The doctors say, "Wow that chaplain really gets it," The female nurses swoon. Then at the time of the passing, that is where I am on my "A" game I pray and lead everyone in a rendition of "Pass me not O Gentle Savior" there is weaping and gnashing of teeth but at the middle providing the comfort of God is me. Like I said I am full of shit most of the time.

I will tell you when I am good though. When there is so much going on I don't think of myself. When I see the weary looks of the nurses busting their butts to keep someone alive, when I stop thinking of how good I am and think of how good the team functions. Not just me but the doctors, the nurses, the enviromental staff. But see the picture in my head is of me.

I am glad God forgives me of my damned vanity, I hope someday he cuts it from me so I can watch it die.
Well thats what I get for Blogging at 3:30 in the morning.

Blue like Jazz

You know when people talk about books on their blog they tend to put the picture up, well I am not putting the picture up and you can get over it :)

I just finished the book "Blue Like Jazz," by Donald Miller. I didn't like this book when I began to read it but I kept reading it because it made sense to me. As I went through the book it continued to make sense and I started to like it. By the end of the book he is talking about falling in love with Jesus and I am sitting in my office in the hospital almost crying.

This is what I think about the book.

But in the end... if you don't like narrative preaching... you won't like this book, but if life ever gets difficult and it and God don't make sense... You just might.

But morely what I really like about it.

There was something real about it. I know that he is a writer and they can make things sound real, but the way he describes people makes sense to me. In this book he never truly arrives at the end of the book he closes a thesis and he is further along in the jouney but he has not arrived. I love Brother Lawrence and Thomas a Kempis but the problem with them is that they seem to have arrived, well maybe Lawrence more than a Kempis. I read about saints and monks and they are holy and in their prayers transcend this mortal plain and in a sense transubstantiate into their glorified self. I don't get that from Miller. This guy actually has problems in his life. Not only did he come from difficult time but he is still in a difficult time. He opens the world to his struggle with the world but even more with the idea of religion. He tells a story very similar to me.

I wish I would run into Don Miller in Memphis Tennesse one day while I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop/bar Queztel. If I saw him there I think I would call him Don, buy him a beer and ask if he wanted to talk about life while we smoked our pipes together. After reading his book I feel like I know him. He brought his difficulties out and his weakness to the forefront. I have been reading a lot from Paul lately and he talks a lot about that.

The place in the Bible that really hits me right now is that part about Jacob in Genesis, his whole story but more specifically his wrestling with God. See I can identify with him more than characters like David or Job because Jacob was a hustler. He tricked his brother out of his birthright and helped his mother trick Essau out of a blessing. As we follow the story Laban husles Jacob. Tricks him into taking the ugly daughter first (think I'm being harsh huh.. well it is just sort of who I am) then he tricks him into 7 more years of work. The husler is hussled. After that Laban tries to trick him out of sheep. Later Jacob also finds out the woman he wanted the most is petty. She steals household God's and gets a little cocky with her ugly sister (I know you think I am harsh but these are the same words I used to use for myself so just go with me for a second).

Jacob has now wrestled with men... then some dude comes out of nowhere and starts trying to make him say uncle. We find out this guy is actually God and he can't beat Jacob until he cheats. Jacob still doesn't let up through the pain of his leg, the separation from his family of origin, domestic issues in his current family and the fear that the older brother is going to kick his ass. In the face of all this Jacob has the odassity to say "bless me."

I have been a hustler, I have been hustled, and I have lived in fear that my older brother is going to kick my ass. I have also wrestled with God and sometimes it feels like God is cheating. But in the end, he blesses me...

I think that is what I would talk to Don about. But my problem is if I did see him one of two things would probably happen. I would say nothing and lose my opportunity like I have in so many other situations, especially when it involves women, or... I would say something like, "hey man, I really appriciated your book," and while trying to sound cool exchanged a few words and walk off never saying, "can we chat? I'll buy you a beer."

So, Don Miller, if you ever read this post and you are in Memphis TN I would like to buy you a beer, invitation's open.

Justin McCreary
9/1/06

...and he descended into Hell

Just wanted to blog to say hi. I am on call at Methodist hospital tonight it is 12:38 in the morning and I am just trying to come down off a rather interesting night hoping to be able to sleep in about thrity minutes for the rest of the night. I think God was watching over me tonight. I have had to deal with hard situations and every time I have been told how helpful I was.
The apostles creed says:
I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
the Creator of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived of the Holy Spirit,
born of the Virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried.
He descended into hell.
The third day He arose again from the dead.
He ascended into heaven
and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty,
whence He shall come to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and life everlasting.
Amen

A lot of people have issue with the ...and he decended into Hell phrase, I don't because I completely change its meaning to fit what I do and throw the tradition of it out the window. It is what a chaplain does. I was in the ER tonight and there were plenty of people in Hell. They were in hell some of their own making and some as consequence of others but what I would describe what they were going through is hell.
Any person who chooses to descend into hell with them must be crazy. But that is their job. It is the job of therepists, ministers, chaplains, social workers, doctors, nurses, law enforcement, firemen. Who chooses to run into a burning building? Jesus. It is nice though after I run into a busy ER to know that I have been helpful, because that brings about ressurection.
Maybe these are just the ramblings of a tired man... But I wonder, have you ever descended into hell? I would bet that at some time in life you have. If you are willing to talk about it I would like to read about it.

Memories

Well, my first unit of CPE is over, so I am posting a pic of all the new residents, some of you might recognize Kevin and I, but I am sure you wonder about the guy with the collar. That is Dennis, he is a candidate to be a Roman Catholic Priest. That day was the first day he could wear a collar, I was proud to serve with him in the hospital, many of us are sad that he was only doing one unit of CPE, Dennis was a good chaplain and will probably turn out to be a good priest, he was also a good friend. Godspeed Dennis.

This is a picture of me, it was Hawaiian shirt day, even though I was the only one who wore a Hawaiian shirt, even though I got that shirt in Fiji. Mainly I am just posting it to change my identity pic from "that 70's Justin"

We didn't start the fire

Thalidomide came out in the late 1950's, it was created by a West German comany to aid as a seditive and decrease the symptoms of morning sickness. Later they found out that it is dangerous for women who are babies and there were over 15,000 children affected by thalidomide only 8000 lived beyond one year. For its original use, the drug was banned but later was found to help in cases of Leprosy and Multiple Melinoma (skin cancer).

Thalidamide is still used today, and I am cool with that because when it is used appropriately it is very helpful. It is currently produced by the company Celgene. Now I know what you are wondering, what is the point of this post, since I am not going to blast the use of Thalidomide?

It costs 7 cents to make one Thalidomide pill, ten years ago it sold for a few dollars a pill but now since it is making a comeback the price is $69.00 a pill. I know what your asking, has it gotten harder to make? Nope, what the company does is estimate a price it wants to make that year. The final per pill price comes from dividing what they expect to sell by what they estimate they want to make.

If I am clear I wonder if you are going to respond the same way I am, "Holy sh*t, where do they get off." However if you go to brazil to get the drug you pay much less, why? part of it is that our government is not allowed to negotiate with drug companies. Now, this is the simple of the arguement it is very think and I just heard a doctor talking about it, but I wonder, if they are doing this thing with one drug how many more.

When medical treatment of HIV came out it was also incredibly expensive but has since been lowered, and you may ask how did this happen? Well, HIV patients chained themselves to Wallstreat. The problem is with people who have leprosy and Multiple Melinoma is that they can't chain themselves anywhere.

What I see everyday is that dying is expensive. The cost to keep someone alive with no brain function for four months is astronomical. The cost to cremate a body can excede 1000 dollars, I know a place in town that will do if for 800. A casket, a vault, well once you get there we are also talking rediculous amounts of money.

We are one of the richest countries in the world yet we cannot afford to provide health care? We can't negotiatie to keep drug prices reasonable? In the end do you know who pays for all of it? We do, American tax payers. I try not to rant about politics very often but I often look at our healthcare system and just get angry. The people with the money get fixed first and best, its the American way. It is fun to blaim doctors, hospitals, and HMO's, but do we ever talk about the drug companies, who say, we will charge you what we want and you will pay it or you will die. Who knows maybe I am just mininformed.

Just a little rant to Jesus...

I have a lot going on, but not a lot to say. I am pushing through one of those difficult times, a lot of questioning and soul searching.
I was sitting on the balcony outside my apartment the other day, I live a block away from the hospital in which I work, and I heard an ambulance rushing, lights on, to the hospital. I used to get frustrated when I passed them on the streets or if I had to wait for them in traffic. I would get angry if I missed a light because of an ambulance or a fire truck. But that day sitting on the balcony I wondered... I wondered, "God what are you going to do about this one." When I see an ambulance head toward the local children's hospital connected to the Methodist hospitals in Memphis, I think back to the first call I answered to it. Now when I see an ambulance I think of people, I think of mothers and fathers, I think of doctors and nurses, I think of social workers and case workers, I think of Emergency Medical Teams, I think of Chaplains. I think of all the lives that will be affected by what is happening. I think of all the lives effected when someone tries to beat a train and misses, when a young boy misjudges the space he has while riding his four wheeler. Sometimes I think of adult deaths where no one shows up to pay respects. I think of standing inside the room of a forgotten elderly person who was just happy to have someone to vent to one week earlier and now lies dead. I think of the mother that just heard there are five tumors instead of one but wants to be strong for her family, or the father who has just lost his oldest child. Once a patient told me they saw my face transfigured in a dream, that would be nice. See I think I am starting to understand original sin. Maybe it isn't like a gene passed down from person to person but it is a problem passed down because we are fallen. Because of that one sin maybe man is totally depraved. Sometimes the only way that I can get through a day is to think... Calvin wasn't completely wrong. We live in a fallen world, and that world will continue to get worse and worse, what is the powers and principalities that we wage war against. I see our falleness, our original sin every day... that is why I am such a fan of grace... I don't believe the world is going to get any better, but... I think people can. I don't know, maybe this doesn't make any sense, just the rant of a tired man looking for answers. When John wrote his Apocolypse he seemed to think the only thing that could change his world was God, forgive me if I say, this world is apocolyptic, the only thing that could possibly change it is the presense of God. But people that is a different story, maybe we can relate to people... maybe every day we can touch lives, something beyond just knocking on doors of people we don't know or just telling people they need to change, but interacting with their life and letting them see that we care. That is, if we really do care? So God, what are you going to do now?

Just a thought on folk

There are many kinds of people and we can be described in many ways with many many interconnected descriptions, there are two specific descriptions I am currently thinking of.

Contemplative and Pragmatic.
These two are not opposites, nor are thy thorough descriptions but this is the thought I had.
There are monks who spend years learning to pray. Prayer is important and personally something I struggle with, the idea of stilling the mind and allowing the Spirit to come upon me. I do however appriciate contemplative prayer. I also appriciate a church service that helps me settle my mind to be able to pray contemplativly. A prayer that is not necissarily focused on things or people but more on a relationship with God in heaven. I spent my last year in seminary working on this aspect of prayer, it wasn't intercessory nor was it problem based, it was reliationship based. Part of it was simply about time and about focus, was I willing to give God the tired part of my day. I would attened different services in town that provided a high church atmosphere. It is important for a Christian whether he is a leader or not to be able to settle the mind and set in relationship with God.

There is also the pragmatic. Equally important. The pragmatic is out in the neighborhood and visible. The pragmatic is always taking requests and always praying for people and things. The pragmatic service is exciting and "spirit filled." It is a place where people can stand up and raise their hands and not worry about eyes on them or how people respond. It is very lively and when we leave the service we might say things like "We had church today."

Both functions can be communial, a group of monks can sit somberly and pray together, and by way of testimony both can be used to contemplate the goodness of God. But I think there is a fullness is being able to interchange between the two.

Have you silently let your heart be still and embraced God like Elijah? Have you praised the Lord in full spirit like Saul?

Changing the world, one feeling at a time

I have been reading a theory by a guy named Murrey Bowen, his idea is called "Family Systems." The basic premise is that each family system has anxiety, and the way we manage that anxiety relates to the level of differentiation of each member of the family. As a whole it is not individualistic, however is a system made up by people who are individuals. One basic contention is that we cannot change the way our family interracts. but only the way we interact within the family system. We then best effect the system by paying attention to our own emotional reactivity, not ignoring our emotions but acknowledging them then choosing to respond from a principled stand as opposed to our own emotional reactivity. I react to people more often than interact with them. I can respond either abusivly or passive aggressivly because I am reacting to my own emotions. Someone might call me and tell me they are angry because of something I said, my first inclination is to defend what I said instead of listening to why they are angry. If I truly listen to what they say I might realize something I had done might have been insensative or impropper. I might also realize they may have misunderstood what I am saying either because they didn't want to hear or I was unclear, or both. Of course in that situation there were probably many instances where I didn't want to hear and misunderstood someone else. Often in that case I don't respond until later, I will let my anxiety settle and then choose how I am going to respond, if I am not emotionally reacive.

But in no way is this individualistic. People, especially children act out many different roles in a family, saint, mascott, problem child, good kid, etc... However to change the system parents can get more in touch with themselves ie. their realtionship with their own parents, either living or dead. Another way sympoms manifest in a sytem is physically, through sickness, lets say I grew up sick and when I quit being sick someone else became sick, then when they got over it someone else was sick. That turns into a way for the family to focus the anxiety of a system. When the anxiety is focussed on the sick one then it isn't bothering others.

Anyway this is a bad rendition of Bowen but I was thinking about this in a larger situation, lets say the country. The United States is one big system, and a very anxious one at that. How do we repair the anxiety of America? I wonder if Bowen would say work on myself? Do what I can to personally act out of a principle stand, and in doing that others around me might begin to do that, and over a few generations the system has righted itself. All I can do is work on me, I can't fix other people and often when I try to tell other people how to fix things they cuss me out, so why not just focus on me being the best me I can be, meaning, I act not react, I work hard myself, I treat other people with respect... Maybe...

Death wears blue

I deal with death a good deal. Today I was walking through a floor with two other chaplain and one chaplain said to me, "I wonder what people think happened that three chaplains are together on one floor." I had never been to a hospital with a chaplain before I started working at one as a chaplain, but people know us here, they know our color and they know our faces. We walk hand in hand with death and stand at the chasm between now and evermore for many people. You have never lived until you walk a hallway with a family that has been waiting to identify a loved one for an hour while the body is cleaned, or seen the look of hope in the eyes of old men when you know the truth but aren't allowed to tell them. Well maybe you have lived, and maybe its ok to never experience these things. These are the things I hate about my job. I had to answer a call at Methodist North one night and when I got out of my car in my blue coat a man on the side of the road asked, "Who died." To those who do not know and are still filled with hope we can be banshees, to those who know and don't have the strength angels... And if we aren't careful... we become calloused and cold. We deal with death so much we were asked to write letters to death and then we gathered together in one place and read them to one another. My letter is personal but nothing I am ashamed of so I post it for any who are interested, blanking out no names and making no apologies.

God Bless
Justin

Dear Death,
It is because of you I keep from wasting away. I could sit in my chair and rot, I could do nothing, never reaching out, and never living in my community. I think without you I would never love and without you I would never know love. I stood in the room with you one night waiting. Waiting for the moment of expiration. As his breath became thin, as his blood pressure dropped you stood their waiting, ever so patiently, thinking if not now, later.
Death, I know that you will have your way with us, I know that you will come for my family one by one and then one day you will come for me. But in that instant while you stood their and waited I watched a wife and mother hold her lovers hand and it made me see where I stand, and that I stand alone. You drive me death to desire to act yet I stand ever watching ever waiting, you hang over my shoulder warning me of some inevitable time when we shall walk hand in hand to the boatman at the River Styx.
When you come Death I hope to be able to sing my history, when I was seventeen, when I was 21 and so on, and I hope like the singer sung to have no regret but to know that I truly lived. More than you I fear regret, to stand before God and regret the chances I didn’t take and the love I never found.
But that doesn’t mean you don’t take. I remember when I was young you took my Uncle Jim then later you took my Uncle Bud. I cried for both men, I cried because there was no longer a place in my life to talk with them, never again would I ride through the hills of West Virginia in Jim’s Jeep, or talk theology with my Uncle Bud. I wish I knew your response when I cried, and your facial expressions during my sobs.
After a night of visiting your sites over and over again, I am weary. I am physically weary but more of the soul. I am tired and restless. My heart sleeps but my body lies awake with the faces of the dead, the slack jaw and the half open eyes. Sometimes it is like any moment their chest will spasm and their lungs cry out for Oxygen. I still have burned in my mind the girl who died by the train. Her face still and silent her body cocooned in a bag. The walk for identification was an eerie sound, the sound of heels hitting the floor in a silent building. The long walk lead by the man in blue…
I tried to approach a woman on my hall and she fled from me like we all flee from you, as if I were death myself. Sometimes it feels as if I carry your scythe and wear your mask. I am associated to you, yet I don’t take life. I am full of holes, holes of the men in my life who have gone before, holes of the ones I have seen. I don’t hate you, but I feel a little emptier every time I see your work. When I am gone you will still walk the Earth, long after even. Eternity is in the hearts of men, but death is eternal.
Sincerely
Justin

Hail to the beeper

I never thought I would be important enough to wear a beeper, it is funny two days ago I had three on. Tonight, I have two. I have one pager that is specific to me, and the other is a general pager that the on-call chaplain carries. So when people need a chaplain at any hour of the night, they can page one, we have a chaplain on duty 24 hours a day at Methodist Hospital in Memphis. The exiciting part about being on call is that I never know what is comming, they tell us, "Eat when your hungry , sleep when you can, because you might get called at any time."
Last time I was on-call there were three death notifications, and various other things that weren't incredibly fun to help with. We see a lot of death working in the hospital, go figure, right... To help deal with this, we have been directed to write a letter to Death. The chaplains will all get together on Friday and read each other the letters. Thing is, I don't know what to say.
Dear Death,
How are you, how's your mom, remember years ago when we used to hang out, you know before they called you Death and you were just Communicable Disease?
I am curious, how do you hold your head when you deal with crossing the river styx?

Theology and Fire

I have a few minutes so I figured I would post again.

I am a chaplain on call until 5:00 it is 20 after 4. I am hoping that nothing happens between now and then, the thing is we never know. A chaplain gets called at every death in the methodist hospitals, we arrive and say, "hello I am the chaplain and I am here to help you in anyway I can." I have only been on one actual death call but have been called to three. The other two were during the day when another chaplain took the call (I know it is confusing but just trust me). The one I did go to I wasn't actually on call, just riding along for the experience, it was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I think alot on what it means to be a hospital chaplain but more who I am as a hospital chaplain. I have been here three weeks and talked to over 150 people. Some of them are in great moods, some of them pretend to be in great moods, and some are in horrible moods. I remember standing in a tragety once thinking, "there is nothing to say right now, there is no word I can give to give meaning to this occurance." I wonder at those times if the seminary training was all bullshit. Currently I don't think so. The seminary training gave me an underlying theology to consider life through, now my theology, ever changing is being tested in fire. Now that I think about it, it doesn't shock me that people who just lost a daughter, sister, grandaughter, niece, cousin, or friend care nothing about the exegesis of Romans 8:28. More than that they may be weeping and wailing to God, "Why, God oh why," but they really aren't looking for an answer, at least not in this case. Fire... hmm...

quick note

Just a real quick note:

I am sorry to have let my blogging slip so much, I have a lot to tell everyone but I have been so busy I just don't have time. I love my job, it is so great to enjoy getting up in the morning because I know I will be going to work. I am currently a hospital chaplain if anyone is curious or haven't read it somewhere else. It is a neat job sometimes and a horrible job others, depending on what is going on.

Chapel to Chaplain

So I no longer go to chapel five days a week (which is sad, because I liked chapel) however five days a week and sometimes Sunday I will work as a Hospital Chaplain at Methodist Lebonner in Memphis. The neat thing is I get a cool blue labcoat, I will post a picture when I get my coat, I have seen though that it will be very difficult work. Everyone tells me the first month is the worst, I asked the chaplain on call last night if it ever gets easier, she said, "easier no, but better."

The newest leg of my journey should be exciting. Keep me in your prayers.

God Bless

Justin

Movin on up...

So I moved most of my worldly belongings to an apartment in Midtown on Wednesday. Now it is Friday and I am moving the little things (which really add up) you know the things I need to actually live there because I have still been living at my apartment at the graduate school. For days I have been telling myself Friday night I will begin to sleep at the new apartment. Well it is Friday and I am experiencing some sadness over this. My apartment on campus has provided me a community of people whom I can always find someone to talk to or go to eat with. It is a Christian place, for the most part, and comfortable. I am used to it and it has been a stable part of my life for four years. What is funny is that I have been a stable part of this campus for four years, I tend to stick out anyway. It is major transition for me.

On Tuesday I will enter into orientation at Methodist Hospitial in Memphis. I will be a hospital chaplin, for at least a year. So from Graduation to this point I have been taking a bit of a break.

Anyway God speed.

You scored as Christianity. Your views are most similar to those of Christianity. Do more research on Christianity and possibly consider being baptized and accepting Jesus, if you aren't already Christian. Christianity is the second of the Abrahamic faiths; it follows Judaism and is followed by Islam. It differs in its belief of Jesus, as not a prophet nor historical figure, but as God in human form. The Holy Trinity is the concept that God takes three forms: the Father, the Son (Jesus), and the Holy Ghost (sometimes called Holy Spirit). Jesus taught the idea of instead of seeking revenge, one should love his or her neighbors and enemies. Christians believe that Jesus died on the cross to save humankind and forgive people's sins. Christianity 88% Buddhism 58% Judaism 42% Paganism 38% Islam 38% agnosticism 33% Hinduism 25% Satanism 0% atheism 0% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

Check this out, things like these are intersting, what is most intersting is the set of questions they use to pick out certain things. What is also interesting is where I fall right under Christianity, Buddhism. Ha, that is so cool.

Last to leave

For the last 9 years I have been living in a school setting, four and half for college and four and a half for my MDiv (I know that sounds long but it is 84 hours). One neat thing about this setting is meeting Christians from all over the country and often the world. The bad thing about it is that at some point everyone leaves. And while I revel in the folks that are going to stay in Memphis like me and the friends I have made who are not associated to my school there is still the problem of saying goodbye.

I am not very good at it, of course who is? I have a special goodbye I have to do today and I have been putting it off as long as I can. Mostly because I don't know what to say to the friend who has been here almost as long as I have and has helped carry me through many hard times. The thing that really sucks is that as much as I like to think that I will probably see them again it will never be what it is now again. That was the hard thing about graduating from Harding Undergrad and that is the hard thing here.

From this point where people leave I would like to believe they will always be the same people they were when they left. Yet, the world does not revolve around me, and they will change they will grow, as will I. The next time I see them they will probably resemble the people I knew, and after that they will be different people who for moments I will recognize and talk about the old days. But that is the problem with whole people who change... they will be good ole days that we discuss, but they will have many more with many different friends. Whole people never stop racking up good ole days because not only are the old days good but often so is the present and such will be the future. Oh yes, times will be difficult but how long then will it be to be reminded that time makes those days not just old but also good. I look back on the days and months I stuggled and refer to them as good ole days, not beacuse I enjoyed them, but because of the benefits I reaped in relation to them.

My feeling are epitomized not only by these words (for words can only point to emotions) but also by the tune that carries them. In this song by Arlo Guthree there are many words that don't yet match my story in that time I rely on the music. The music then carries the emotion, but still just points to it, the emotion is within us. If you have ever been an avid reader of my blog and have never heard this song I recomend you use whatever MP3, I-tunes, buyable music site to download, because you will never understand unless you hear the song behind the words.

Last to Leave
By Arlo Guthrie

Lonely sunshine, days come easy,
Spend my time alone at rest,
And if I were the last to leave here,
Now would these roads be any less?

Oh, I'm the last to leave.
Now would these ribbon highway roads
Be less wonderful to me?
Why must I always be so slow?

Many friends come and go,
You know there's a lot of feelings that I've left behind,
And it's a lonely world, I know,
When your friends are hard to find.

But take the time, my memory fails,
And soak my eyes in the morning rain,
Like a sailor, sailing over Jordan,
On the road back home again.

Oh, I'm the last to leave.
Would these ribbon highway roads
Be less wonderful to me?
Why must I always be so slow?

God Bless, and God speed.

What a long strange trip its been

I suppose it would be nice to put up some pics from Graduation but I just haven't gotten around to it yet. I have been very busy, oh btw I have a Masters of Divinity. I think I also had the loudest cheering section at graduation.

My Dad, Mom, bother, sister in law, and niece "Anna" came for the graduation. Anna didn't work well with Memphis weather first off so actually on the day of graduation she and her mother stayed at the hotel.

My parents left for home less than two hours ago, I was so glad they were here, I actually had tears in my eyes when they left. Maybe it is because I am more emotionally stable or because I have just grown up a bit, but I don't know if I would mind living in the same town as my parents any more. I used to try and stay as far away from my family as possible, but now... it took me forever to see how much they cared and continue to care about me.

I came here, to memphis four and a half years ago because I didn't feel that a Bible degree from Harding University undergraduate prepared me for anything. Now I am waiting to hear back from a place in town for a job. I felt that seminary prepared me better for ministry and introduced me to many more options. I don't regret the time I spent here and the money I had to borrow to do it. God moved me here. I had to be here, now I can go unto all the world

God Bless everyone who reads my stuff
Justin McCreary M.Div.

... and ...done!

You'll all be happy to know, I passed my Bible knowledge exam, it is this test we have to take to graduate seminary. It is basically this test that covers all the stuff seminary professors this we should know about the Bible.

And I turned in my last final yesterday, finished it the day before.

And Sunday morning at 1:00 AM to the song "so long farewell goodbye," by the Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, I finished editing my last research paper, "Alexander Campbell's View on Slavery during the Period of the Millennial Harbinger." Emailed it with a final Sunday afternoon.

I will graduate with my Masters of Divinity on Saturday!!!

Now if I just hear one more bit of news I will consider my life on track.