Labor on Labor day

It is Labor day I am working I labor, I am fine with working on Labor day it means I will raise true hell if I have to work on thanksgiving or Christmas. Some parts of the day have been very boring other parts have been very exciting and many many sad. The sad doesn't hit me like it used to, I think it is because I have been on call the last three or four mondays in a row. It is about 3:30 in the morning and I am beginning to get tired. "Why not go to bed?" you may ask, well everytime I just start getting comfortable my pager goes off and I have to rerobe and head somewhere in the hospital. Three people coded at the same time tonight. Well, all within 15 minutes. I have been getting to know the crisis team well. The resident who has been pronoucing is becomming a buddy. When I started this job doctors made me nervous, one one level they still do but by much less. Now I see them so much, the same ones over and over again. I can't help but think that my blue coat must symbolize death to some of them. I think patients families tend to take bad news better when a chaplain is around. I think I could be a fairly bad chaplain and still provide comfort just because I am there.

The thing though,

this job feeds my arrogance like crazy, I have never been to keen on being a minister, or at least not for years but I like this job, "chaplain." But I always picture myself standing up for the patient or the family or lowing the anxiety of a crisis because of my selfless work. I bring the peace of God and the stability of ten men, I work for God, I pray to God, I intercede for the people, I am god to them I am God. Most of the time I think I am just full of shit (now that I am not going to be a preacher anymore I don't have to hide that I say that word a lot). I am a pretty arrogant asshole when it comes to it. Nothing reminds me of that more than when I think of myself having this huge conversation with a family who is affraid to pronouce their father DNR (do not recessitate) and they finally stop putting their father through the constant pain of CPR and the harshness of recessitation. The doctors say, "Wow that chaplain really gets it," The female nurses swoon. Then at the time of the passing, that is where I am on my "A" game I pray and lead everyone in a rendition of "Pass me not O Gentle Savior" there is weaping and gnashing of teeth but at the middle providing the comfort of God is me. Like I said I am full of shit most of the time.

I will tell you when I am good though. When there is so much going on I don't think of myself. When I see the weary looks of the nurses busting their butts to keep someone alive, when I stop thinking of how good I am and think of how good the team functions. Not just me but the doctors, the nurses, the enviromental staff. But see the picture in my head is of me.

I am glad God forgives me of my damned vanity, I hope someday he cuts it from me so I can watch it die.
Well thats what I get for Blogging at 3:30 in the morning.